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UK government to deploy chatbot in bid to break Brexit deadlock

1st Apr 2019
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The UK government is expected to announce today that it will deploy a chatbot as the new Prime Minister, in a bid to break the Brexit deadlock crippling the country.

The bot will replace current PM Theresa May with immediate effect.

A Government source told MyCustomer that the chatbot has been specifically programmed to negotiate the perfect Brexit deal with EU leaders. 

Testing is complete, and it's understood the bot - due to its superior algorithm - is now able to turn all conceivable negotiation permutations thrown at it into a Brexit agreement "that absolutely every single person in the UK, and indeed Europe, will be over the moon with". 

The chatbot will begin its tenure by flying to Brussels to meet with EU leaders today, at 12.01pm.

"It is the will of half the country that we leave Europe," states a leaked Government email seen by MyCustomer. 

"But the issue with Brexit has always been that half of the country voted to remain in Europe. Our chatbot has been uniquely programmed to negotiate a deal where the UK both leaves - and also remains - in Europe, thus meeting the needs of the entire nation."

Our chatbot has been specifically programmed to negotiate a deal where the UK both leaves, and also remains, in Europe

New functionality

Once Brexit negotiations are complete, the chatbot will be reprogrammed to fulfill the additional duties of being the UK's Prime Minister.

Some of the new settings expected to be unlocked include the capability to interact successfully with the vast array of different demographic represented in Parliament, something every previous sitting Prime Minister has struggled with since the turn of the century.

This includes the capacity to communicate in Latin, a setting design for interacting with MPs such as Boris Johnson, and a specification that allows it to speak 'Victorian aristocrat' with MPs such as Jacob Rees-Mogg.

The bot will also be given a feature that allows it to converse on the topic of best practice for home-growing vegetables, a conversation setting specifically designed to appease current Government opposition leader, Jeremy Corbyn.

Second iteration

“Many people will assume that this is the first chatbot that has led the country, but they'd be fools. In actual fact the current Prime Minister – Maybot – is an earlier iteration that simply failed to operate to the specifications programmed for it,” our Government source explained.

“Maybot is not the first chatbot to go rogue; just look at Microsoft’s Tay bot.

“Luckily in this instance we’ve programmed a replacement bot that will finally be able to fulfill all of its duties: to negotiate the UK a successful agreement to both withdraw - and remain inside the EU.”      

***APRIL FOOL'S! Obviously there's nothing - human, machine or otherwise - that can break the Brexit deadlock***


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